How Many Degrees of Separation are There?

After my latest heartbreak, I’ve decided to take a long break from the whole dating/looking for love scene.

It seems that eligible men are very far and few between when you get to middle age. Mind you, I didn’t ask to be single at my age, it just turned out that way. It’s been great not to have anyone to answer to about my comings and goings or what I’m having for dinner or if I’m even having dinner. I love not having to turn off the bedroom light when I’m reading a great book. If I decide I’m in the mood to start writing a blog at 1 a.m., I don’t have anyone to fuss at me for making noise either.

Now comes the part for those of you who can’t handle more than PG 13 ratings to stop reading. You’ve been warned. Pretty much everyone who is single, that I’ve talked to of both sexes agree they miss cuddling and the sex.

If you want to find a relationship for these missing components you have to start looking for a suitable partner. The whole friends with benefits may be okay for awhile, but then something more substantial seems necessary because it starts to feel like a booty call. Seriously, if you’re not dating or having regular contact with this “friend” and they call or text you to come over, it’s a booty call. Admit it!

If you go to a bar looking for this suitable partner, you’re likely to end up with an alcoholic. You go online and meet people and many of them are married, but say they’re separated. When I was separated, I went to an attorney right away, had papers drawn up, we were in separate bedrooms and in the state we lived in had to wait six months to file for divorce. Since we were legally separated, we could see other people without consequences. It wasn’t for my sake, but it covered his butt really well.

It seems people have various definitions of what being separated is these days, and this may have been going on for centuries as far as I know. Some men and women think just because they sleep in separate bedrooms from their spouse, they’re separated. Let’s think this through. Many couples sleep in separate bedrooms for various reasons. One snores too loud, they are too restless at night, they have sleep apnea, they have different work schedules, there’s an illness, etc. They still carry on their life in public as husband and wife, so this is not a separation and should never be represented to anyone as such because it’s a misrepresentation of the truth.

Just because you don’t have sexual relations with your spouse does not mean your separated either. Many couples haven’t had sex in a couple of decades for various reasons, but they are still married in every other way. I can’t tell you how many men have told me about their troublesome sex life with their wives and how they just need someone special to fill that need. Either they won’t have oral sex or will only have sex in one position. Basically, it’s not my problem to fix. Women aren’t the only ones who hear these lines. Men hear them from married men too. Yes, we’re all comparing and sharing notes these days. Frankly, it’s really boring.

To be truly separated in a marriage, papers need to be filed. Whether you file for a separation or a divorce, until those papers are signed by both parties, notarized, and filed it’s not legal. That means if you have an affair with a person who is still legally attached, you can be named in the divorce proceeding as the person committing adultery with the husband or wife. I definitely do not want to go to court or have anymore drama in my life.

Then you have to think, what kind of person would put you in this situation? If they would do it in this marriage, would they do it in their next marriage? Some people just have a problem being faithful, but others marry the wrong person. This all would be much simpler if people could be honest with each other. If the unhappy spouse could simply ask for a divorce and if the lonely person could admit they’re unhappily married, things would be better for everyone.

I had a friend who called me a few weeks back and he just knew the husband had figured out he was having an affair with his wife. They saw each other in his church for the first time and it was lust from the beginning. I advised him to run the other way because he always says he hates drama. That day he was sweating it out and begging me to talk to him. I sent him a text about some great news the other day and he sent one back saying not to text him anymore. (???)I guess he and the married woman are getting along well right now. I’ll keep you guys posted on how it turns out.

I just know that I’m not looking for love in all the wrong places anymore. I love myself enough to say no more. I just hope others reading this can do the same thing if you’re in a similar situation. Love yourself enough to say no to heartache because when people are married they usually never leave their spouses, no matter what they tell you.20130316-084431.jpg

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